Category Archives: Dating

How (not) to pay me a compliment

I love online dating because OMG funny!

Today’s Study: A lot of terrible ways to pay me a compliment. Plus one excellent one.

Tell Something I Don’t Already Know: youre gorgeous in your pics

Maybe $omeone’s $tyle, but Not Mine: Hey, Wuzzup Wit’cha $exxy!! LOOOKIN’ LOVELY!!

I Already Have a Stable of Fellas Younger than You, but Thanks Anyway: It would be an honor to have you rob my cradle!

Unfortunately I Have a Weird Attraction to People Who Don’t Think It’s Weird to Like My Body: I have a weird attraction to bigger women with thick thighs. [Side note: You must watch this internet awesomeness tearing down fat haters]

In the midst of all this idiocy, there are also some gems. My current favorite is this one: Your body looks exactly like a woman’s body is supposed to look. God, I love all of your curves.

Of course, he got the benefit of saying all that to me in person 🙂 It’s time for the rest of you boys and girls to step up your game!

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Not a Math Equation

While I’m rocking online dating, there are still parts of it that suck.

Like the d00ds who have nothing to say but “hi i’m h0rny.”

What do I say back to that? “I am too, but not for guys like you who spell horny with the number 0 in it.”

I’m glad I’m not the only one who attracts guys who are just looking to get laid, and don’t care how creepy your conversation gets.

But my favorite online dating post includes THE BEST SENTENCE EVER WRITTEN:

I’m an actual human being, not some math equation that can be solved by triangulating all of the nearest boners.  – Lindy West

I can now face another round of shitty incoming messages. Perhaps I should just respond with this quote to the next d00d that says, “hey wanna sext?”