New insights on what I’m up to right now!
I’m diving in deeper with the things that brought me to the Bay Area – Buddhism, activism, and hanging out with queer folks. I’m getting more precise about exactly what I do and don’t want to be doing, who I want and don’t want to be hanging out with, how I want and don’t want to be doing it.
(Precision isn’t exactly a new thing in my world. But I’m diving deeper into precision).
Fig. 1: My post-it note reminder to seek precision while I’m diving in to explore things!
What does this look like specifically with this month’s goals?
1. Practice the energy of destruction
Destruction is an important part of precision. I have to be willing to cut away what’s not right to focus on what is right.
I cancelled some plans with folks – things I thought I would enjoy doing, but am realizing are not precisely what I want. I decided I would rather spend the evening on my own, reading and journaling, then doing something with others that wasn’t precisely right.
My initial project – fixing my iTunes library that is an organized mess – had a major hiccup when I deleted most of my library accidentally. Thank goddess for back up!
Part of getting comfortable with destroyer energy is getting comfortable with that hiccup of, “OMG, I totally just screwed that up.” To stay calm and present and able to look at options for remedying the situation.
I’m glad to say the music is back (Ani DiFranco! Aimee Mann!), but I’m feeling cautious about jumping back in to deleting music. There’s a lot more confusion about multiple folders than I thought. It’s turning into a project that needs thought about, not just one I can do mindlessly.
I do think the next steps are to keep deleting the songs I know are duplicates. That feels like it will keep the energy for this moving.
2. Play with online dating
So, I found a couple of people I’m interested in messaging. But I haven’t finished my profile yet! How will they evaluate me if my profile is incomplete?
In the meantime, I’ve just left tabs open with their profiles. It feels like so many steps to message them!
- Finish my profile
- Worry over and edit my profile some more
- Re-read their profile 429 times
- Draft a message to them
- Send it to 3 friends, asking “Would you want to meet me if you only read this message?”
- Edit my profile some more
- Edit the message some more
- Get drunk and finally hit send
I have to remember that I will be more interesting than this d00d, who just wrote me, “hi im horny.”
Oy, welcome to online dating.
3. Do what I love at work
I am not sure that happened this week. I put some fun projects near the top of my list, but they got sideswiped by meetings and emails and a push for fundraising.
I did some interest writing on Tuesday. While at the beach, trying not to work. Part of my dilemma is that I want to do more than I’m actually getting paid for.
Part of this is resolved by my decision to dive deep, including into Buddhism & activism. I’ve decided not to count my work hours so closely, to not stress out so much about keeping things to 30 hours per week. To think of my pay as a stipend, and do what work I can and want to during the week. To track my work loosely, so I know how much I’m working and to make sure I’m at least working 30 hours. But to embrace the work as all part of what I love.
I think in that, there will also be precision about what I don’t love, and either ending or changing it.
4. Play with incorporating other activities
I noticed this week that I have the most ease in having a balanced life when I’m busy. This week, I have been writing blog posts, getting to dance class, reading, getting outside a lot. Meditation has been part of the week too. And it’s felt rather easy instead of strained.