Monthly Archives: May 2012

Green Orgy

I’m visiting an old stomping ground next week. I am looking forward to hanging out with friends, spending time in my favorite eateries and watering holes, and letting work take a back seat for a few days.

Today’s question is: Should I look up any old flames for a round of ex sex?

Or maybe I should track down those folks I had always secretly had a crush on, and flirt shamelessly now that I don’t have to worry about small town repercussions of getting it on with too many people in the same social circle?

On hard questions like these, the best advice always comes from Google chatting with friends:

me: my question i have for my trip is … do i want to sleep with anyone??!?
G:  I dunno, why not?
(living vicariously)
me:  everything feels small town complicated …….
G:  oh, but you don’t live there anymore!
me:  maybe i should just fuck ’em all
G:  at the same time!
me:  hahaha
G:  probably save on gas that way

Yes folks, I should arrange an orgy amongst my past flames, because it’s clearly the most environmentally conscious choice!

We’ve found the real reason those tree huggers have always been about free love.


I Hate Richard Gere

I have a deep and abiding hatred of Richard Gere.

It started the day I got stuck watching that terrible movie, where he’s in a beach house on the coast, and there’s some woman, so it gets all romance-y, but builds no interesting tension, and I’m stuck wishing it would please God turn into a horror movie so they can both die a bloody death when they get eaten by sharks that bypassed 6,000,000 years of evolution and grew legs just so they could walk out of the ocean and kill Richard Gere and put those of us watching the movie out of our misery.

Nights in Rodanthe? Did anyone I know actually like that movie? (Maybe you shouldn’t answer that. I might not be friends with you anymore if the answer is yes).

But my hatred of Richard Gere goes beyond this crap-ass movie. I hate him because I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE SWOON OVER HIM. He is not sexy. He’s a total douche in Pretty Woman – asshole businessman hires escort and saves her by falling in love. Ick.

I should be able to live a peaceful, Richard Gere-free life. It shouldn’t be that hard. I avoid his movies. I don’t click on gossip articles about him.

The damn problem is that he’s a Buddhist. He’s even FAMOUS for being a Buddhist. And I work for a Buddhist organization. We get the occasional book to review, “with foreword by Richard Gere!” Gah! Get out of my life, Richard Gere!

The last time we got one of these books showcasing Richard Gere, I went on an epic rant in front of one of my co-workers. The evolution-bypassing sharks are a mere glimpse at the depth of hatred I spewed that day. She tried to convince me that he was the hotness in An Officer and a Gentleman. Given my hatred of Richard Gere, I don’t think it’s wise to try to watch it and find out if I agree. People could get injured. Sharks could bypass evolution and grow legs.

The universe played a funny one on me this week when I finally set up my first online dating profile.

One of the first messages I got from an interested suitor:

I really like your profile very smart and funny
I did know there was such a thing as a radical Buddhist is Richard Gere one?


I’m trying to decide whether or not to respond to the potential suitor. If I do, I think I’ll just send him a link to this blog post.

Diving Deep

New insights on what I’m up to right now!

I’m diving in deeper with the things that brought me to the Bay Area – Buddhism, activism, and hanging out with queer folks. I’m getting more precise about exactly what I do and don’t want to be doing, who I want and don’t want to be hanging out with, how I want and don’t want to be doing it.

(Precision isn’t exactly a new thing in my world. But I’m diving deeper into precision).






Fig. 1: My post-it note reminder to seek precision while I’m diving in to explore things!

What does this look like specifically with this month’s goals?

1. Practice the energy of destruction

Destruction is an important part of precision. I have to be willing to cut away what’s not right to focus on what is right.

I cancelled some plans with folks – things I thought I would enjoy doing, but am realizing are not precisely what I want. I decided I would rather spend the evening on my own, reading and journaling, then doing something with others that wasn’t precisely right.

My initial project – fixing my iTunes library that is an organized mess – had a major hiccup when I deleted most of my library accidentally. Thank goddess for back up!

Part of getting comfortable with destroyer energy is getting comfortable with that hiccup of, “OMG, I totally just screwed that up.” To stay calm and present and able to look at options for remedying the situation.

I’m glad to say the music is back (Ani DiFranco! Aimee Mann!), but I’m feeling cautious about jumping back in to deleting music. There’s a lot more confusion about multiple folders than I thought. It’s turning into a project that needs thought about, not just one I can do mindlessly.

I do think the next steps are to keep deleting the songs I know are duplicates. That feels like it will keep the energy for this moving.

2. Play with online dating

So, I found a couple of people I’m interested in messaging. But I haven’t finished my profile yet! How will they evaluate me if my profile is incomplete?

In the meantime, I’ve just left tabs open with their profiles. It feels like so many steps to message them!

  1. Finish my profile
  2. Worry over and edit my profile some more
  3. Re-read their profile 429 times
  4. Draft a message to them
  5. Send it to 3 friends, asking “Would you want to meet me if you only read this message?”
  6. Edit my profile some more
  7. Edit the message some more
  8. Get drunk and finally hit send

I have to remember that I will be more interesting than this d00d, who just wrote me, “hi im horny.”

Oy, welcome to online dating.

3. Do what I love at work

I am not sure that happened this week. I put some fun projects near the top of my list, but they got sideswiped by meetings and emails and a push for fundraising.

I did some interest writing on Tuesday. While at the beach, trying not to work. Part of my dilemma is that I want to do more than I’m actually getting paid for.

Part of this is resolved by my decision to dive deep, including into Buddhism & activism. I’ve decided not to count my work hours so closely, to not stress out so much about keeping things to 30 hours per week. To think of my pay as a stipend, and do what work I can and want to during the week. To track my work loosely, so I know how much I’m working and to make sure I’m at least working 30 hours. But to embrace the work as all part of what I love.

I think in that, there will also be precision about what I don’t love, and either ending or changing it.

4. Play with incorporating other activities

I noticed this week that I have the most ease in having a balanced life when I’m busy.  This week, I have been writing blog posts, getting to dance class, reading, getting outside a lot. Meditation has been part of the week too. And it’s felt rather easy instead of strained.

What Do You Know About Desire?

What do you know today, about desire, about the radical amazingness of speaking your truth without apology?

Who have you spoken to? Who still needs to hear your honest voice?

Who, what, where makes you smile? Not when you imagine it, but when you are actually there, sunlight on your arms, skin touching skin, heart melting open with ease?

How have you learned to stay present with desire, feel its fickle, urgent energy pass through your heart, your loins, your brain as it makes its way into the world? What does longing feel like? How does it support your growth? How have you found desire to simply be the universe saying, “Follow me here. I have something to show you”?

When have you followed? When you have held back … has that been desire too? You know how to feel the difference between choosing a higher desire and avoiding desire because of terror. How do you feel the fear and move forward anyway?

What helps you know desire? Your desire, not the definition of desire sold to you in every movie, commercial, billboard, story. What helps you hear the subtle call that says, “Yes, yes. I want this.”

Shhhhh. Can you hear it now? Its heart beating stridently, its voice calling your name? Is it loud enough that you don’t have to be quiet to hear it? Does it have lungs and the deep sweet breath to use them? Can you feel the clarity with which your desire speaks? Lucid, beating, flowing deep.

Shhhhh. Let’s hear her speak.

Bringing Back the Goals

Last month, there were no goals.

That worked well to give me some spaciousness, but it also left me feeling adrift. My suspicion is that I did nothing last month, but I’m pretty sure I actually took two vacations, wrote an article for an anthology, trained a new staff member, dealt with more transition at work, and let life catch up to me.

Overall the month was about remembering how to feel what I wanted, and act on that. It was about dropping other people’s agendas to make space for my own agenda.

This month, I have already set some light goals.

1. Practice the energy of destruction

I love to grow new projects and ideas. But when things get overgrown, it’s necessary to prune back. If pruning hasn’t been done for awhile, sometimes there’s a much bigger ripping out that is needed.

I have a hard time with pruning as I go, often waiting until I’m being choked off before I make a move. Then I’m flailing, destroying things in my path in an attempt to survive.

So I’m practicing destroyer energy this month, pruning things that have been neglected. Like my actual back yard. And my iTunes library that got corrupted at some point, and now has 6 copies of each song.

2. Play with online dating

I just set up a profile on OK Cupid. I want to meet some new, interesting people and go on dates as a way to explore new people and places.

I feel overwhelmed already – how do I decide who to message? Who do I respond to? How do I keep it fun and playful, rather than another task?

3. Do what I love at work

There are so many things I feel like I *must* do. What happens if I do the things I love first? And then tell people about those things as fundraising & communications strategies?

What happens if I minimize the administration even more? Anything I don’t love, anything that feels complicated – gets dropped. Invoke more destroyer energy!

4. Play with incorporating other activities

Fundraising for Catalyst, planning the trip to Italy, writing projects. Plus the ongoing meditation, walks, dance, connecting with friends.

For awhile, I liked setting weekly goals. Then I liked having randomized to do lists. Then I liked dropping all pressure and only doing what I wanted to do.

I would like to play with different ways of doing this. How do I keep motivated to do the projects in my life, particularly ones with timelines or parts that feel hard to complete?