When Lazy Equals Productive

In the spirit of sharing rituals, I thought I’d let you all in on my monthly goal setting and the weekly check-ins I do to see if I’m on track. As I go to post this, it feels a little bland, like I need to make this check-in into a chicken.  For now, I’ll trust that it will develop into something fabulous as we go. I’m trying to practice just starting things, rather than waiting until they are perfect. Here goes!

How did we do this week?

I felt rather lazy this week, overwhelmed by the heat and the amount of work I’ve said I’d take on. I had some emotional shifts on Monday where I really felt some compassion for the part of me that is terrified that I’m not doing enough and not doing it fast enough. That part is so keyed into scenes where we really do run out of time and a bomb goes off or a child dies or a building crumbles or the world self-destructs. Whether it’s real or imagined, experienced or seen on TV, there’s this internal panic that’s driven me to do, do, do. As I felt into just how hard that life lived in panic is, I found some ease and some comfort that perhaps there is enough time, and perhaps I am doing enough. And recognition that sometimes going only as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go is actually the fastest way to go in the long run.

The results? Despite my internal sense that I was being lazy and blowing things off all week, I crossed off everything on my weekly list. I made steady, incremental progress on all of my projects, and even had a lot of fun along the way! I got enough sleep, even when it was at odd hours of the day, and feel pretty good overall. I’m kind of shocked actually, as my inner critic still is quite convinced I’ve spent the week being lazy. If there’s ever a reason to do a weekly check-in, it’s to collect up all the bits of evidence that I’m plenty as is. That I know how to lead a life of balance because I’m doing it.

1. Be pro-active about negotiating job & housing. Feel great about my future story.

Housing is set, with an even better arrangement than I was asking for! I finally called my landlord and asked about signing just a 5 or 6 month lease. She said, “Oh, don’t worry about it, let’s just keep you month-to-month and let us know when you are leaving.” Yay! No progress on job negotiation because there’s just not anything to do about it yet. My bosses need a lot more information before they can even think about negotiating with me, so I’m just trying to patiently stay out of the way. I do plan to do a job search in SF anyway to be sure that I have some leverage in the negotiations. But since I’m not moving until January or later, there’s really not much of a reason to start a job search before late August or September.

2. Focus on closing up past gigs, and only taking on new gigs that PAY WELL.

I took a new approach with a project I’ve been frustrated by. I found that I couldn’t bring myself to have yet another conversation with someone who had ignored our previous 4 conversations about what needed to happen accounting wise. Kind of brilliant actually not to keep banging my head against the same wall. So I brought my needs to the attention of a couple other folks who I trust, and they’ve agreed to help me get done what needs to get done. Whoo hoo!

The other project I was looking to extend  is in limbo, which I’m totally okay with. It felt good to erase them off my white board of tasks for now.

3. Get blogging services online

Community Resource Center blog post went out to their huge subscriber list and is posted online. Updated my “About” page with my bio on Rooting Nonprofits. It probably could use some more work but I’m glad I at least did something to update this. I also did a new blog post on both blogs.

4. Pay attention to Fiscal Reform Committee regularly – get very focused on the next right steps

I did less this week, but still moved forward. Got some community impacts back from a school district, and confirmed next weeks meetings with several folks. It felt really good to skip an informational meeting that others were attending and play instead! It helps me feel more excited to do some work on FRIC over the weekend rather than be resentful and grumpy about it.

5. Make $900/week

I’m still feeling the awkwardness of “It’s gauche to talk about how much money you make. Much less in a public forum!” Yet being off trajectory is about pushing back against some of these societal rules. My intention here is to track my mix of salary and freelance income so we can all better understand what it looks like to piece together enough income to pay the bills and enjoy life.

I made $878 this week. It is close to my goal but I thought I should have made it easily since I worked more than 25 hours at my regular job. I forgot that I need to more than 32 hours/week if that’s the only job I’m going to. I’m still pretty happy, considering I felt pretty lazy this week, and didn’t have much extra paid work that I took on.

6. Find a balance of movement, meditation, friendship, art, & laughter that supports my busy life

Impromptu margaritas on Thursday was a ton of fun. I definitely wasn’t intending to turn impromptu happy hour into closing down the Irish Embassy, but it was worth it. I had a couple of fun nights with new and old friends, and a ton of time on the phone catching up with some of my besties. I am such a helper mouse, I really enjoyed helping friends with purging their craft supplies and learning how to Twitter.  I always end up learning more about myself when I open myself up to help others. The Next Generation sitting group for people in their 20s and 30s is so inspiring, I am in awe of being surrounded by people my age grappling honestly with our legacies of self-hatred and self-doubt. I had a body work session on Monday that really tapped me into my energetic body, so I signed up for Hiro’s Sovereignity Kindergarten. I’m hoping it helps me keep this clearing out process moving. It felt like a pretty good week all around! Perhaps just a bit more movement.

Sharing my weekly check-ins lets me share some of the bits and pieces of what’s going on in my brain. It feels like it’s helping me feel safe, more comfortable to delve into deeper blog posts again. I’ve got a lot going on internally, and it’s a bit scary to put that out for 6 billion people to see. Thanks for your love and support in this process!

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