Deepen Your Love by Breaking Up. Really.

Love is a state of connectedness, one that includes vulnerability, surrender, self-valuing, steadiness, and a willingness to face, rather than run from, the worst of ourselves. – Geneen Roth

How is it that my connection with someone can deepen when I say, “We don’t belong together”? It runs completely counter to my intuition that breaking up, again, with someone can leave me feeling closer to them.

Yet that closeness, that connectedness comes from facing what is real. It can be the reality of our darker motives, or the reality that two people can love each other but not be a good match to build a life together. Facing reality together deepens the connection. Even when facing reality severs that connection.

My friend Aaron once said, “There’s love, and then there’s logistics.” Some partnerships may be full of love, but if your partner can’t pay his bills while you are investing, or your partner wants to buy a farm while you want to move to the city – the logistics are sometimes too complicated to be overcome. The romantics might say, “But Love conquers All!!!!” I suppose if you are willing to let yourself, your own goals and desires be conquered by Love – then sure, love conquers all. Especially you.

I feel like life throws enough challenges in my way. If I’m ever going to build a partnership with someone to move through life with, I’d like to at least start with most of our foundational pieces being aligned. The question is – is there really anyone out there who aligns perfectly with my values?

Prelude: What If?

What if you were about to meet your perfect lover?

What if you knew this lover better than anyone else in the world, and this lover knew you better than anyone else?

What if you liked the same food, loved the same movies, listened to the same music, rooted for the same teams, enjoyed the same friends, were fascinated by the same books, had the same spiritual beliefs, cared about the same causes, and shared the same goals?

What if you absolutely knew you two could live together comfortably?

What if this lover always had your best interests at heart?

What if you were brought before a large door and told that, behind the door, was the love of your life?

You straighten your hair, pop a Certs, take a deep breath, open the door and find yourself face-to-face . . .

…with a mirror.

- Peter McWilliams in Love 101

Dating My Ex: A Do Over

I’m dating an ex. My friends, who listened to me cry about him for months, have all been rightfully skeptical. All the things that are wrong with our relationship: he dreams of owning a farm, while I want to move to the city and travel; he’s happy just spending time with me every night, while I thrive on interacting with a lot of different friends; he thinks its his role as a partner to suggest changes to my lifestyle, while I chafe at any inkling of challenge to my independence. Worst of all, we spent months not talking about any of these differences.

Normally I know better than to be in a relationship without good communication. But we had a good reason: a language barrier. It was getting better day by day, but I couldn’t find ways to communicate the nuances of difficult conversations. I finally got frustrated enough that I told him we might need to breakup, and he checked himself out of the conversation and wouldn’t communicate at all.

Three months later, we started running into each other regularly. Encounters were friendly, but I refused to make any effort beyond that. I just kept saying, “You need to call me if you want anything more than this.” After a couple of weeks of this, he finally did. And we finally talked about all these differences that made our relationship really challenging. And our mutual feelings that despite all these differences, there was still love and attraction that drew us together. We decided that being “friends” (with benefits) was a better label for us, because as soon as we made it anything more serious we both got trapped back into expectations of each that were never going to work.

In reality, it’s like we are getting a “do over” with this relationship. Now, when the same old situations flare up, I get to actually communicate about it this time. I’m not so worried that it’s going to end the relationship, because it’s already over. I know exactly where not communicating leads, and I know that’s an avenue I don’t want to head down again. So we talk, I get to say the things that were always in my head, but never got out of my mouth. It heals the prior pain and suffering, and gives me good practice for communicating in the next relationship.