1. 30 minutes of meditation. every day.

Twelve days. Thirty minutes every day. I’m kind of afraid to look at this, as it might set off the part of me that’s totally freaked out by meditation.

What’s worked? I vary the actual practice, sometimes doing 15 minutes of sitting followed by 15 minutes of walking. Days where it feels especially hard to sit down, I listen to a guided meditation to provide a stronger container. Also, I’m not trying to do it the same time everyday. There’s some flexibility built into that which is helpful to me.

What might I try in the future? The day I almost skipped was an emotionally intense day, and I’d had a somatics appointment that had elements of being with my present experience. Couldn’t I just count this as meditation?

I still had it on my randomized to do list, and it popped up as the first thing to do. So I did it. I’m glad I did as it helped me shake off more of the old emotions that had been stirred up during the day. And it helped me feel extra committed to my practice.

Note to me: When I practice on days I’d rather not, those are the days I look back on to decide whether I’m “really” committed to practice.

2. When in doubt, “What’s the next right thing to take care of myself?”

I feel like this is working in a sneaky way. I’m not sure I’m regularly asking this question. But with self care being mixed into my to do list, when it randomly comes up it feels easy to do as the next right thing. And if something pops into my head, I feel like I can go ahead and just do it.

My room is clean. I cooked lots of food last week and still have good things to eat for lunch today. I’ve journaled a lot, meditated, danced, connected with good people. And it all feels rather easy.

What I might try: I’m going to keep just letting this work. Use the randomized to do list, and also just do things as they occur to me. I can brainstorm more if/when this no longer works.

3. Be laser focused at work

Yes. I sat down to work Friday morning, and felt spaciousness. After a busy full week of big decisions, I was not contracted. This after a day unexpectedly sitting with a volunteer for a few hours stuffing envelopes and chatting about the big picture.

What worked: I function with more ease within the container of the big picture, of agreeing to what will be worked on and what will be ignored.

What I might try in the future: The organization I work for is not yet used to setting a big picture of priorities and then sticking to it. I anticipate a need to continue to return to the big picture and make adjustments. Maybe weekly until we get it reset in our bones that this is how we will do things.

4. Be nourished in friendship

I have enjoyed a mix of in person connections and phone conversations so far this month. I have taken in the loveliness each of these people offer in my life. Nourishment in connection is so important to me. I took in a lot this week.

What might I try differently? I also had a week filled with frustration and anger, some current, most old. Because that was my theme of the week, I found it easy to get frustrated with my people. As often happens, that came out most often in my closest relationships, while I had more ease with people I am getting to know. This says more about my comfort level with expressing frustration and anger in the world, than it does about the quality of my close relationships.

How can I expand my ability to express frustration and anger, into realms beyond my close and safe relationships? How can I safely hold my frustration while not spewing it around on everyone around me? I should make a sign to wear: “Approach with caution! I’m spewing fire this week.”

But I am sticking with my monthly goals and intentions. Here’s what I’m paying attention to in January.

1. 30 minutes of meditation. every day.

I am starting a year-long Practice in Action program with East Bay Meditation Center this month. One of the components of the program is a daily practice – at least 30 minutes of sitting or movement meditation.

Sitting meditation has been notoriously hard for me. Noticing the breath is hard – I start to panic when it gets quiet, because it reminds me too much of a traumatic freeze response. Stillness in the body is hard – I have so much old trauma and emotion stored up in my body, there’s a lot of need for release through shaking and trembling.

Yet I’m also wanting to deepen my practice, and I know that grounding myself in regular practice is a key way to do this. I’m three days in, and finding it supportive to give myself some flexibility with a mix of sitting and walking meditation. If I can focus on solidifying this practice this month, it will hopefully stick!

2. When in doubt, “What’s the next right thing to take care of myself?”

I often feel like self-care is one more thing to “achieve,” but it’s really about resting into the care that is around me and the care I know how to give myself.

I’m hoping when I find myself a bit lost about what to do next, this becomes my go to question.

3. Be laser focused at work

I am taking on yet additional responsibilities at work. I am both scared and excited about this. And especially worried about burn out.

I know how to manage a lot on my plate. And I know how to set priorities with groups of people, so we all agree on what’s most important and what we will let slide. Focus on the important but not urgent is going to be essential. And saying “No” over and over and over again will be a hard lesson to learn yet again.

4. Be nourished in friendship

I’m at my best when I’m nourished by the people around me. That includes being there for my friends, as I get nourishment also out of being of service to others.

I also get nourishment out of knowing my limits and not pushing past them. So it will be important to know how much to indulge in late night parties and to know when the nourishment of supporting others hits a limit.

Truth to remember (from Havi):

Intentionally setting strong, healthy boundaries is the most compassionate and important thing that you can do. And not just for you, but for everyone in your world.

It’s possible that everything I’m working on this month relates back to strong, healthy boundaries – both what I will do for myself and others. I may have more to say about this as the month unfolds.

I wanted these things …

1. Rest deeply when I get the chance.

There was a lot of work. And then there was a whole lot of not work. Yay vacation! And even when I talked about work while on vacation, it felt like it was in productive, thoughtful ways. Rather than the spinning and pre-stress that can happen all too quickly.

2. Notice the things worth smiling and laughing about.

It might be hard to recognize Mr. Right, but you don’t need to be hit by a ton of lesbians to spot Mr. Wrong! If he does any of the following, fuck in the other direction:

• He wears your bustiers
• He repeated asks you to feel how muscular his boobs are
• He offers to treat you to a luscious homemade dinner – then proceeds to thaw a frozen mullet
• He gives you a stuffed leather for a gift – then tells you how much his ex-finger loved hers.
• He asks you to foot the bill (again) because he left his wallet in his other pantyhose
• He admits that, before he met you, he would hire paid queers to go out with him
• He has a personalized license dyke tyke that reads IM2SXY

Mad Libs make everything better. Especially when they accidentally involve a crossdressing serial killer.

3. Loving on my loved ones.

Lots of love! Surprised my dad – Happy 60th Birthday! And spent lots of good time with my fantastic community of friends and my amazing meditation community.

So good to fill up on love for a couple of weeks.

4. Home office set up & functional.

This week has been the big test – can I actually work from home? The first day back was rough, but it would have been rough even if I would have had an office to go to. The first day back always sucks, plus I had a cold and was trying to sort out major staffing changes.

I finally separated out my work email from my personal email inbox. (Hides in shame that it’s taken 5 months to do this). This felt like a major step in creating some essential work/home boundaries.

—

Feeling hopeful. Scared but ready. Bring on 2012!

In a less conventional way than the normal coming process, of course. I can’t even follow the proper trajectory for a coming out story.

“I don’t think I’m ever going to have a ‘normal’ looking relationship, where I find one person that I want to move in with and have babies with and spend all my time with.” I clarified, “It’s not because I think I can’t have that. I could have had that a hundred times if that’s what I wanted.”

I took another breath before I spoke directly, “I just don’t want a normal long term relationship. It’s not where I want to put most of my energy when I feel like I have so many other things I’m here to do.”

I gauged her body language. The last thing I wanted was to be told, “If you just found the right person, I’m sure you’ll feel differently.” I kept breathing.

She shrugged her shoulders. “You don’t have any of the same pressures that I had growing up, where unmarried women were jeered as spinsters and old maids. You have so much more freedom to choose what you want to do! It’s inspiring that you are doing what you want to do.”

And I know this about my mother, but it still surprises me every time. She revels in the choices I have available to me, and celebrates when I choose the unconventional.

1. Rest deeply when I get the chance.

There will be a lot of work this upcoming week. I’ve worked too many days in a row already. When it’s time to rest, I want to do it fully. Turn off the work brain. Do things that nourish me: dance, legs up the wall, drink water, read, laugh with friends.

2. Notice the things worth smiling and laughing about.

I’m noticing a pattern where I’m always answering “How are you?” with one of three options: Busy, Frantic, or Working Too Much. I’m not wanting to just turn that off, as much of that is real in my experience right now. But I’m also wanting to notice the OTHER things that are also going on. And try out some different ways of answering that question.

3. Loving on my loved ones.

I get to visit some of my favorite folks next week. I want to make some plans with folks … first I need to tell them I’m coming! I also have a few more holiday gifts to find & send for my nephews.

4. Home office set up & functional.

It’s a little scary to be working from home again. I want my space set up so I can be sure to turn off the work brain when I’m done for the day. It will feel great to come back to my space being in order so I can transition into working from home as smoothly as possible.

—–

These things seem doable. The most concrete things are the home office set up and those presents for my nephews. Everything else is about trying out some new ways of being, or expanding the set of folks I’ll get to hang out with next week.

My shoulders relax a bit seeing that I haven’t made myself a 47 point to do list.

It’s also been a hard year. I’m learning so much every day, it’s hard to constantly be questioning everything that I’ve thought before. The sheer volume of opportunities in the Bay Area can still be paralyzing. I know I’m in bad shape when I’m terrified to even make a to do list.

The last few weeks, I’ve been blessed with visits from friends and family. Like so much this year, there’s a bittersweet quality. I loved having my loved ones here with me, in my new place. I loved experiencing my new space with these folks. But when they left, their absence was even more profound. My enthusiasm for work and the Occupy movement felt hollow.

I’ve started asking myself, “What am I doing here? Why am I here instead of so many other places where I could be closer to the people I love?”

A dear friend reminded me that I came out here with a purpose – to learn, to grow, to participate in things that aren’t available in our small town. Am I succeeding in that? Yes. Am I finished? No.

He reminded me of my regular goal setting and check-ins I used to do here regularly. I’m not sure I realize the impact this kind of regular check-in has on others. I was surprised when he said, “I loved when you set goals and made progress on them. I appreciated knowing that at least one person in my life was working toward something important.”

So, back by “popular” demand … the weekly/monthly/periodic goal setting & check-ins return!

This period of neglect has been in service to a large goal – MOVING. I am officially a Berkeley resident as of the middle of February.Whoo hoo!

Despite seven months of preparation, it was a gargantuan task to actually get myself out here during the final days. As always, I was over committed  to friends, jobs, and to do lists. But I couldn’t imagine not going to Mexico, not finishing up my job commitments in an honorable way, and not taking care to leave my apartment in the conditions I agreed to in my lease.

Of course, my body had other needs that I hadn’t made time for. After Mexico, my shoulder and upper back pain flared up so bad I was in constant achy pain. I got a deep massage that helped loosen up some of the tightness, but the flood of toxins it released knocked me out for a week. Or I got a nasty case of the flu, I’m still not sure. Whatever it was, I didn’t leave my bed for 72 hours in the week before I was moving.

I was still moving slowly and coughing a lot when I finally left Durango on Wednesday afternoon, only 30 hours behind my original schedule. Work didn’t get finished quite as neatly as I had hoped. Neither did my apartment cleanup, though I hear the futon I abandoned in my alley had been picked up within four days.

It could have been worse. My co-worker and his family reportedly had avian flu.

Travel had its own set of blips, though again, my motto was, “It could have been worse.” I made good time to Flagstaff, and had just told my mom how excited I was to make another couple hours that evening. Two miles outside Flagstaff, I heard an unhappy sounding clunk under one of my tires, and then passed a car and semi pulled over on the side of the road. “Did I hit something in the road? My car seems to be driving okay, but I’m about to head out into the desert. Better check.”

I pulled off at the next exit, and my front passenger tire looked low. No air was at the gas station, and I made a snap decision to high tail it back into Flagstaff while my car still seemed to be driving okay. I made it, and my tire was definitely low – only 15 pounds of pressure when it should be over 30. I filled up on air, and found the first hotel with wireless that was just down the road from a tire shop that opened the next morning at 8am.

It could have been worse. I could have had to change a flat tire on the side of I-40, unpacking my entire trunk that had been carefully and meticulously packed in the one and only configuration that would allow it to all fit in.

Arrival in Berkeley has mostly been a dream (another story for another time), though I’ve picked up the San Francisco cold on top of my flu/toxins illness. Sick for almost 4 weeks while I moved, submitted 3 grants, started a training program for anti-racist white folks, and hung out with new and old friends. It’s been tough, but it could have been worse.

Sometimes (um, like this month), I get so busy I don’t have time to check in. It’s still an important ritual to me to check in anyway once I finally have some breathing room. Even if it’s half way through the next month and so much has happened since then that I should be reporting on. But November must be reviewed first!

NOVEMBER Goals

1. Tidy up lingering projects that can be completed: I worked a lot with my total dread of those final cleanup tasks. I finished up 3 of the 4 lingering tasks, and got to enjoy some champagne and my favorite cookies.

In reporting this, I’m feeling how much dread I have for that final doozy of a task. Some small progress has been made, but there are still many things to be done before the project is finished. And I have to interact with two different people who have been notoriously difficult to track down and get the follow through I need from them.

I’m going to try an experiment: Change my expectations. These two people will get back to me with the information I request. They will take responsibility for getting it completed. I will set a meeting in early January that will help clarify what else still needs to be done and who will do it. I will feel good about my contributions to this process even if it doesn’t turn out exactly as I would like it to.

And I will try the fancy bottle of champagne when this thing is complete. And I’m getting a cupcake from Heather at Cake Cafe to celebrate in style.

2. Apply for fabulous jobs: I focused my attention in on one fabulous job, which (fastforward to December) is now official! I have just been named Motion Institute‘s first Executive Director. I’m starting part time as I transition into life in San Francisco and get the funds raised to expand my role. I feel fortunate to find a job … without actually going through the whole “apply to a billion jobs and hear nothing” phase of a job search.

That said, I’m probably still looking for another project to pick up as I start to turnover projects in Durango to other capable people. Something part-time and analytical – data analysis, bookkeeping, event production – would be a nice complement. Though I hear if you work 20 hours/week at Starbucks, you qualify for health insurance. Yum, coffee.

3. Enjoy time in Durango with friends & family : I had a great time with my parents, though they had to postpone their trip until after Thanksgiving. My birthday was kind of ridiculous, but a lot of fun. Note to self: Just because I’m the birthday girl, I’m still allowed to say no to shots. Especially gross ones made of Tuaca and Red Bull. I’ve had some impromptu drinks with friends, random late evenings with dharma buddies, and a lot of time just hanging out with good people. It’s nice to feel like I have time to say Yes to fun with friends.

—

December goals (for the last half of December since it’s already half over)

1. Bust out some solid work for all three jobs I’m juggling

2. Have fun with friends over the holidays

3. Purge 5 boxes of stuff

4. Set moving date

But it wasn’t always this way. I remember getting to count coins from my mom’s tip jar when she was waitressing nights at Pizza Hut to help make ends meet. If we had enough change, we could buy a small bag of my favorite Seyfert’s potato chips to supplement our lunch we had packed for going to the local lake. Since we often didn’t have enough change, we often didn’t get the chips. While many many kids were worse off than I was growing up, my early years were still a lesson in delaying gratification and learning to make do with what you have.

Somewhere in this mix of adult class privilege and childhood delayed gratification, I learned a set of rules about money that help me manage my day-to-day finances. After describing some of my rules to a friend, I thought I’d try to explain them here as well.

9 Weird Money Rules

1. If I want to know how much money I have, I look at the balance in my savings account (not my checking account).

2. If I don’t have any savings, I’m broke and should be making decisions as if I’m broke. If I’m carrying a credit card balance, I’m panicked. This leads me to making life sacrifices from what I want to what I absolutely need to survive much earlier than most of my friends.

3. I make life sacrifices in recurring bills, so it’s less about willpower in the moment, and more about adjusting my lifestyle to my current income. I suck it up and move in with roommates. I drop cable & internet. I reduce my phone plan. I drop memberships & subscriptions.

4. I have 7 things in my apartment that I spent more than $100 for. My futon bed. My computer. My iPod. My piano. My desk chair. My bike. My first pair of red Danskos that I bought 6 years ago and have worn ragged.

5. I agonized over each of those purchases. Is there a coupon? Can I wait for it to go on sale? Can I get something of comparable value at the thrift store? Is this an investment that will last several years? Even after all the self-assurances, it was still hard to make the purchase. But I don’t regret any of them.

6. I more routinely spend more than $100 on what I love, which is experiences and personal growth. Travel, classes, retreats, counseling have all come in at more than $100 a pop. But I still find ways to be frugal – I find the cheap plane ticket even if it means the time is inconvenient, I stay with friends rather than rent a hotel room, I take public transit rather than renting a car. I pay out of pocket for the best counselor rather than switching to a cheaper but less effective therapist because I know the best counselor will help me more in one session than the less effective one will in three sessions.

7. I do my damnedest to only buy things I really love. But the minute I feel “I can’t imagine life without this!” or “I really need this”  – I make myself step back and wait a few days before purchasing. If I’m still feeling the same way in a few days, it’s probably worth buying.

8. When I’m more broke than flush with cash, I often ask myself “What’s the underlying need (or needs) I’m trying to meet? Can I meet those needs in other ways that are cheaper but still satisfying?” Like, if I need to feel connected to far away friends, is it cheaper to talk on the phone rather than buy a plane ticket? Can I convince them to come visit me?

9. I calculate nearly every purchase in terms of my top love. I’ve been wanting to move into a bigger apartment for the past 2 years. My studio is convenient and big enough for me, but useless for entertaining others. But in this town, I’d have to increase my monthly rent+utilities at least $150-$200/month to get into the kind of place I envision. That’s a plane ticket every other month! When I bemoan my small apartment, I remind myself begrudgingly that I’m just choosing travel over easy entertaining. I ask myself, “Have I changed my mind?” And the answer is always NO.

I’m curious what you think – which of these rules makes me most weird about money?